रज आरज लागो मेरी अंखियन, रोग दोष जंजाल

“Dust and supplication cling to my eyes; they are burdened with affliction and disorder.”

What made me write this essay

Several years after a relationship that once defined the emotional center of my life had ended, I received a message from my former partner. It contained only a single sentence:

“You killed me from inside.”

There were no explanations, no accusations elaborated, no attempt at dialogue. The statement stood alone — stark, conclusive, unsettling. It did not describe an event but an internal condition, as though something within her had not merely been wounded but extinguished.

That sentence lingered far beyond its brevity. It compelled a reflection not only on personal responsibility or relational failure, but on a broader and more disquieting theme: the perception that certain loves, once lost, leave behind not emptiness alone, but a conviction that the capacity for the same intensity has vanished forever.

Motive of This Essay

This essay is written for those who could not attain the fortune of marrying or spending their lives with the person they once loved most deeply. It seeks to express a severe interpretation of amor fati — acceptance of fate — by confronting the possibility that the euphoria and innocence once experienced may not return, that reunion with the beloved may remain permanently inaccessible, and that peace may depend on acknowledging rather than resisting these realities.

One can fall in love many times, however after one's love peaks, it is just a decline. The euphoria can't be ever achieved with anyone else but with the partner they love.

So either get back with the partner or stop seeking the euphoria.

The Early Experience of Love’s Absoluteness

Just like fitness level at the age of 25 can't be expected at the age of 35; peak intensity of love can't be repeated.

Love in youth often arrives with overwhelming intensity. It is not felt as a gentle affection but as a totalizing state — a reorganization of perception, identity, and meaning. The beloved becomes inseparable from one’s sense of emotional vitality. Presence generates disproportionate elation; absence produces distress that feels existential rather than situational.

This intensity is not accidental. Youthful neurobiology favors novelty, reward sensitivity, and emotional amplitude. Psychological defenses are less rigid, vulnerability less negotiated, surrender less inhibited by memory’s warnings. Love feels infinite partly because the organism experiencing it has not yet accumulated the weight of disappointment, caution, and defensive recalibration.

In retrospect, this phase is often remembered as innocent love.

When Fate Diverges from Expectation

Often we fall in love with people who in reality might not be suited to spend the life with.

Yet life rarely conforms to youthful narrative certainty. Many do not end their lives beside the one they loved most intensely. Relationships dissolve under pressures that feel trivial compared to the magnitude of feeling that once sustained them. Incompatibilities surface, trajectories diverge, timing fails, misunderstandings calcify. What once appeared inevitable becomes impossible.

The separation produces a dual rupture: the loss of the beloved and the collapse of the imagined future. But with time, another recognition emerges — more subtle and often more disturbing.

The earlier emotional intensity does not return.

The Vanishing of Euphoria

Euphoria is caused by dopamine, and dopamine has a tendency of becoming resistant. The thrill that I used to drive at 140 Km/hr; I derive the same now at driving at 200 Km/hr.

Subsequent relationships may offer companionship or stability, yet the intoxicating euphoria of earlier love often proves elusive. Emotional responses feel moderated. Passion appears less volcanic. The nervous system no longer surges with the same destabilizing force. What once felt like boundless immersion now feels measured, regulated, quieter.

The conclusion that suggests itself is painful in its simplicity: the brain has aged; the intensity is gone.

The Brain That Has Changed

Each loss causes mental distress which changes the person.

To speak of an ageing brain in this context is not strictly to invoke neuronal decline. It is to acknowledge transformation shaped by time and experience. Novelty responses attenuate. Reward circuits recalibrate. Cortical regulatory systems exert greater modulation over emotional surges. Memory encodes prior injuries, installing caution where once there had been abandon.

The organism becomes less susceptible to emotional flooding.

This modulation may represent stability, yet subjectively it is often experienced as loss.

Loss of Innocence

After a point of time, it is just oxymoronic to even seek innocent love.

What fades is not merely intensity but innocence. Innocent love is defined by uncalculated vulnerability, idealization without resistance, emotional surrender unshadowed by anticipatory fear. Experience alters these conditions irreversibly. The psyche constructs protective structures. Vulnerability becomes conditional. Emotional risk becomes visible.

One cannot return to loving as though one has never been wounded.

Why Reunion Rarely Restores the Past

Reunion is usually not possible, however for people who are idealistic it can be worth a try but only in vain.

Longing for reunion frequently persists, fueled by memory’s selective preservation. Yet even when reconciliation becomes technically possible, restoration of the original emotional world rarely follows. Identities have shifted. Time has intervened. Trust, once fractured, resists naïve reconstruction. The individuals involved are no longer the same psychological organisms who formed the initial bond.

One does not simply lose the beloved. One loses the self who loved them.

The Brain’s Pursuit of the Past

A central psychological tension arises from the brain’s insistence on comparison. Memory magnifies emotional peaks while softening recollections of instability or conflict. The past becomes idealized. Present attachments, unable to replicate the same neuro-emotional turbulence, appear muted. Stability is mistaken for dullness. Regulation is misread as diminished depth.

The organism begins seeking not love itself but the resurrection of a remembered intensity inseparable from youth’s neuropsychological conditions.

Psychological Ageing

Psychological ageing manifests as sedimentation rather than simple decline. Emotional regulation strengthens. Idealization weakens. Risk tolerance narrows. Love becomes less catastrophic, less engulfing. For some, this evolution produces coherence. For others, especially those anchored to memories of earlier euphoria, it produces a sense of attenuation.

Intensity yields to architecture.

Amor Fati: Acceptance of Irreversibility

Here emerges the severe demand of amor fati. Acceptance in this frame is neither optimism nor defeatism. It is the disciplined acknowledgment that certain realities are structurally irreversible. The beloved may not return. The innocence of early love may not regenerate. The same euphoria may never recur.

Peace may require relinquishing the demand that life reproduce its earlier emotional climates.